Thanksgiving quotes 2013

For Thanksgiving this year at the in-laws’ house, we had Cornish pasty, homemade tamales, and very quotable conversation.
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The cat has been sitting in the same spot for 1/2 an hour.

I found out that for $225 I can buy an hour with a cat psychiatrist online.

I think the psychiatrist costs so much because you can’t get the cat off the couch.

I put special spray on her hair. It was febreze.

Steph’s coming over.
–Would she like some chili? Or a cat?

No, you may not play whack-a-mole with the wise men from the nativity set.

Oh. There’s a little bowl of ice in front of me.

I thought you and Jack were getting tattoos for Black Friday.

Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and realize you’ve choked on your own saliva?
–NO!
Well, I have. I could have died, and Rich did nothing.

In the Bible, they never mention coughing or sneezing. I just found that odd.

Pilgrims are not in the Bible.
–So how do we know they were real?

We only have 240 plates for dessert, so use them sparingly.

Who would like a pot of coffee to eat with their dessert?

I’m going to have to ask you to stop laughing.
–I don’t think that’s going to work.

We found the baby in the cereal box.

She’s a red dye number five kind of gal.

Rich cuts down trees in dress pants.

I can’t believe we arrived without a chain saw.

If the police stop by and ask “why is your lawn on fire” just say “no hablo inges.”
–That won’t work very well when they figure out that I teach English at the college

Is there anybody here who can catch a cat?

Do you know that some colleges have a puppy room?

She’s running with a rake.
–I run with scissors all the time and you don’t even know it.

Yes, you are a fatso.

So instead of ashes, you got plants.

Who let the grandma out?

Is he our great uncle?
–He’s above average.

I think it’s $6.50 but don’t quote me on that.

It comes out of our checking account, it’s part of the water bill, and you’re losing your hearing aid.

Do not lick my toes.

Cecchetti is Italian ballet.
–It means you don’t shave your armpits.

Do any of you know who Selena Gomez is? She’s dancing in the library.

We actually gave up going to England because of a cat?

I don’t think I’d be lucky enough to have them run away.

I thought it was a healthy place, but then I realized it was a funeral parlor.

It never occurred to me that you could put a baby in there, but then I saw the “no baby” picture, and then I realized it IS the right size for a baby.

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Post-apocalyptic Xmas quotes 2012

Christmas quotes from a large family in a small midwestern town.

Christmas Eve:

  • I’m very useful. I have a cheese knife.
  • Can I borrow your key to grandpa’s gun closet?
  • My mouth is hot.
  • Tomorrow you kids can shoot each other with the guns.
  • How much Mountain Dew do you want your kids to have?
  • You took my puppy chow – I will cut you.
  • Who’s tapping my bandwidth?
  • Hey, who plugged me in? Oh that’s somebody else.
  • Do not tie up your cousin and do not make her a leash out of duct tape!
  • Do you want to put your finger in her guts?
  • I have to get some puppy chow that’s not frozen, ‘cuz that’s gonna break my face.
  • Don’t go to college. Just fix yo-yos.
  • If I had a nickel for every time you asked me that, I’d beat you with a bag of nickels.
  • I feel like a Cornish miner. Where’s my canary?
    • It’s already dead.
  • We’re using the cab of the truck as a fridge, so if you want fruit salad or beans, you know where to find them.
  • Don’t say that word again or I will need more therapy.
  • You look like a science experiment.
  • Why is there a dart in the garbage disposal?

Christmas Day:

  • It’s as bad as Easter when we found dead bunnies in the pool.
  • I got a high E string stuck in my foot.
  • Your breath smells like dead people.
  • We’re sure making the trash people happy this week. I guess we don’t pay any extra, do we?
  • You don’t want to shower with it, ‘cuz you’ll get all jittery.
  • Was this meat sacrificed to idols?
  • It sounds just like a tattoo gun.
  • Anytime you want, just give me a sharpie and I’ll fix those girls up.
  • I’m definitely petting this bunny as if it were a small child.
  • The title of this photo is “Get Your Hand Off My Shoulder.”
  • Ew!!!  It smells like octopus!
  • She has four pairs of jeggings.
  • I have an announcement. My presents are going here. That is my announcement.
  • You might want to sit down.
    • Am I that old?
  • When’s your birthday? Here’s your “horseascope.”
  • Do we need to have a can can lesson?
  • You want to take your clothes off but you know it’s going to hurt.
  • They’re the pole dancers of the old west. Just don’t tell the children.
  • We need to stick with the speakable obsessions.
  • These don’t seem very smutty.
  • Not many moms in the carpool lane wear these.
  • I remember pushing someone in a grocery cart.
  • One time a group of us were really sober.
  • I didn’t know of any girls who had peed off the catwalk, but I knew lots of boys who had, so I was going to be “that girl.”
  • Nobody’s going to mug her with the Virgin Mary jacket.
  • It looks like something that you would give a Mexican drug lord, so she gave it to her mom.
  • Those chaps are so great on you.
  • We tried to grow her bangs out for 48 hours.
  • If you don’t have any fat on you, you have wrinkles. So, you decide.
  • I would commit suicide if my hair looked like that.
  • You are so cold. Put your hands between my thighs.
  • They might come back in style. I’ve had them for 20 years or so.
  • Don’t take the knife next time you fly.
  • My fairy has an afro.

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From Melons to Mastiffs

 

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Oh What a Feeling

Oh what a feeling when we're dancing on the ceiling

Oh what a feeling, when we're dancing on the ceiling

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Office safety – No Plopping Zone!!!

Found at office today.  Thanks safety committee!

No Plopping

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Disney Fairy Word Search Choices or Street Drug Slang?

Disney Fairy Word Search Names or Street Drug Slang? You decide.

My daughter was doing a "Disney Fairies" word search at the kitchen table yesterday. Some of the words sounded suspiciously like slang terms from drug culture. See if you can tell the difference. Half of the words come from the word search book, and the other half from street drug slang.
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How to get on a terrorist watch list and meet the FBI on your lunch hour

A few months ago, I had the privilege of meeting some of the FBI’s finest over my lunch hour regarding what WAS to be my first blog post on this site.  It was a fun diversion, and (in retrospect) the highlight of my wife’s week.

The plan for the blog post was simple:  Email a bunch of small-town city governments with some asinine questions about their community, wait for the hilarious dialog to ensue, then post the best conversations on my blog.  I was inspired by some of David Thorne’s work on his site 27bslash6.com as well as James C. Wade’s “P.S. My Bush Pig’s Name is Boris.”  (By the way, fellas, I apologize if the FBI ends up taking up your lunch hour someday.  I mentioned you both to the agent with the pencil and clipboard.  You’re now on his list.)

Here’s the email I sent:

My family has been considering moving to your fair city, and we had a few questions about the community.  We like what we’ve heard about the family friendly nature of the town, and the lack of overly restrictive housing covenants/ordinances/mandatory inspections.  Some towns might consider our taste in landscaping and exterior décor “eccentric,” or as our last town’s city council put it “offensive and outside the limits of ‘free speech,’” but we trust that this will not be the case in your open minded community.

So, on with our questions:

1.  How many pets are allowed per residence?  Do you have separate limits per species?  If we own multiple properties, do the limits apply to each property, and if so, can we average the number of pets per property and just house them all at the main residence?

2.  What is the curfew for children under 4?

3.  What is the maximum breaker box capacity allowed by code?  Similar to the pet question, can we average the capacity of all our properties?

4.  Is the city setup to receive up to date data from NASA’s Geo-coded Residential Satellite Flyover Schedule, and if so, is this data published for the public to view?  Can we get a copy of this schedule?

5.  Can you recommend a good trenching company in the area?

Thanks for taking the time to respond.  We look forward to getting to know your inhabitants better in the coming months.  One last question – I run a small hobby salmonella farm for a well funded university research project.  I take every precaution to ensure my specimens do not enter the ground water, and have not had any major incidents since upgrading my filtration system in ‘97.  I didn’t see anything in your city ordinances that would prohibit this research, but I wanted to ask just to make sure.  I’d be happy to facilitate class field trips if the local schools would be interested as well.

Thanks again,

Brian
brian@firebreathingpig.com

One little mention of a specific pathogen and ground water and just like that, you’re on a watch list.

So toward the end of my lunch hour, we get the knock on the door.  The two agents identify themselves and ask if they can come in to ask a few questions.  It went something like this: “We’ll get right down to it.  You sent an email a few months ago about moving out of state and poisoning a small town.  Why did you do it?”

Huh?  This isn’t ringing any bells AT ALL, and my shock probably came across as a really badly acted denial.  “Well, no, nice agent-men, I did no such thing.  And by the way, thank you ever so much for protecting our country and its citizens by performing your jobly duties day in and day out.  I love all people and would never do such a thing and I don’t use email ever and WHY IS MY WIFE LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!”  That’s a direct quote, I’m pretty sure.

The agents, not convinced, proceed to open their file on me.  At this point, I relax a little, as I’m slightly comforted by the fact that you automatically get 100 man points when the FBI has a file on you.  If they don’t gag me, shove me in an unmarked white box van, and drive me to Guantanamo, at least I’m up 100 man points, and that’s not nothin’.

“Brian@firebreathingpig.com – is that you?”  And right then all the pieces fit together, and I remember my gag email plan.  My wife is still looking at me funny, so I talk really quickly so as to appease both her and the agents simultaneously.  “It joke.  Send email get back ha-ha.  Put on internet.  Friends go ha-ha.  Ha-has go viral . . . ” Agents write down viral.  “Ach!  No viral.  Contagi . . . NO!  SEO best practic . . . AAAHHHH! Friend tell friend tell Kevin Bacon!  Me famous now.  I mean, DAVID THORNE AT 27BSLASH6.COM MADE ME DO IT!

Right about then, my ten year old son walks in the room and helps smooth things over by telling the agents how he designed the Fire Breathing Pig logo for me and it was all his idea.  I pretty much let him take the fall from here on out.  My wife finally exhales, the agents wrap up with a few questions about my knowledge of chemistry/farming/pathogens, we agree upon my lack of nefarious intentions, and they leave with a handshake and a promise to deflect any further inquiries from any of the other two dozen or so small town governments that I had emailed.

It was a good lunch hour.  I had spaghetti.

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Space required to transport 60 people

It's bigger on the inside

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Caveman Country Song Lyrics

I saw you walking erect
Last week by the creek
The hair on your neck
Went all the way to your feet
And darlin’, since then
Ain’t nothin’ I can do
You’re all I ever think of
I’m neander-fallin’ for you

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I went out with the boys
Had a few drinks at the bog
But when I done got home
You were with some other Og

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Got my spear rack on the the back
Of my round wheeled flesh cart
I’m gonna bring down a mammoth
And win your pretty little heart

—————

Well I’m a club swingin’,
Knuckle draggin’,
Fire-keepin’,
Son of a Cro-Magnon
I like my Mastedon rare
And my woman’s got that
Unga-bunga goin’ on

—————

You dragged me by my hair to your cave
And three sons for you I bore
You were everything I ever wanted
But you don’t bring me warm, beating hearts
. . . no more

—————-

Well saddle up your dinohippus
We all share this heavy load
The river god says it’s time
To ride the first-born sacrifice road
But I’m cookin’ up a li’l somethin’
Me and the boys got a plan
The river god won’t realize
This kid’s from the enemy clan

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There Arose Such A Clatter: Xmas Quotes 2011

Real quotes from a large family Christmas gathering in a small midwestern town

  • It’s too fluffy!
  • I’m used to having Mexican painters in the house.
  • I thought you were a sheep!
  • Is your face okay?
  • I nearly always will be wearing something.
  • We don’t go to the potty without Patty.
  • I don’t want the maid on the same floor as the TV.
  • I wear vests to hide the jelly roll.
  • We’ve never had a more bean conversation.
  • We were worried about the puppy chow they were eating in the closet.
  • My bet’s on the one-eyed dog.
  • Your finger? Where’d it go?
  • Put all the left handed people on the same side.
  • The head was off when I went in there, but I put the fork in him.
  • Knights weren’t allowed to play with those indoors, either.
  • I put the turkey carcass in the shed.
  • The oven always catches fire when I use it.
  • Do they ever go plop next to the toilet?
  • It’s my JonBenét Ramsey party dress.
  • The cats ate on it all afternoon, but we have a fox in the neighborhood.
  • Our grandparents didn’t ever take kids to the emergency room.
    • Well, they didn’t have self cleaning ovens.
  • You’re about to light Fred Bird on fire.

What about your family gathering?  Add your own quotes in the comments.

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