For Thanksgiving this year at the in-laws’ house, we had Cornish pasty, homemade tamales, and very quotable conversation.
The cat has been sitting in the same spot for 1/2 an hour.
I found out that for $225 I can buy an hour with a cat psychiatrist online.
I think the psychiatrist costs so much because you can’t get the cat off the couch.
I put special spray on her hair. It was febreze.
Steph’s coming over.
–Would she like some chili? Or a cat?
No, you may not play whack-a-mole with the wise men from the nativity set.
Oh. There’s a little bowl of ice in front of me.
I thought you and Jack were getting tattoos for Black Friday.
Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and realize you’ve choked on your own saliva?
Well, I have. I could have died, and Rich did nothing.
In the Bible, they never mention coughing or sneezing. I just found that odd.
Pilgrims are not in the Bible.
–So how do we know they were real?
We only have 240 plates for dessert, so use them sparingly.
Who would like a pot of coffee to eat with their dessert?
I’m going to have to ask you to stop laughing.
–I don’t think that’s going to work.
We found the baby in the cereal box.
She’s a red dye number five kind of gal.
Rich cuts down trees in dress pants.
I can’t believe we arrived without a chain saw.
If the police stop by and ask “why is your lawn on fire” just say “no hablo inges.”
–That won’t work very well when they figure out that I teach English at the college
Is there anybody here who can catch a cat?
Do you know that some colleges have a puppy room?
She’s running with a rake.
–I run with scissors all the time and you don’t even know it.
Yes, you are a fatso.
So instead of ashes, you got plants.
Who let the grandma out?
Is he our great uncle?
–He’s above average.
I think it’s $6.50 but don’t quote me on that.
It comes out of our checking account, it’s part of the water bill, and you’re losing your hearing aid.
Do not lick my toes.
Cecchetti is Italian ballet.
–It means you don’t shave your armpits.
Do any of you know who Selena Gomez is? She’s dancing in the library.
We actually gave up going to England because of a cat?
I don’t think I’d be lucky enough to have them run away.
I thought it was a healthy place, but then I realized it was a funeral parlor.
It never occurred to me that you could put a baby in there, but then I saw the “no baby” picture, and then I realized it IS the right size for a baby.