Christmas quotes from a large family in a small midwestern town.
Christmas Eve:
- I’m very useful. I have a cheese knife.
- Can I borrow your key to grandpa’s gun closet?
- My mouth is hot.
- Tomorrow you kids can shoot each other with the guns.
- How much Mountain Dew do you want your kids to have?
- You took my puppy chow – I will cut you.
- Who’s tapping my bandwidth?
- Hey, who plugged me in? Oh that’s somebody else.
- Do not tie up your cousin and do not make her a leash out of duct tape!
- Do you want to put your finger in her guts?
- I have to get some puppy chow that’s not frozen, ‘cuz that’s gonna break my face.
- Don’t go to college. Just fix yo-yos.
- If I had a nickel for every time you asked me that, I’d beat you with a bag of nickels.
- I feel like a Cornish miner. Where’s my canary?
- It’s already dead.
- We’re using the cab of the truck as a fridge, so if you want fruit salad or beans, you know where to find them.
- Don’t say that word again or I will need more therapy.
- You look like a science experiment.
- Why is there a dart in the garbage disposal?
Christmas Day:
- It’s as bad as Easter when we found dead bunnies in the pool.
- I got a high E string stuck in my foot.
- Your breath smells like dead people.
- We’re sure making the trash people happy this week. I guess we don’t pay any extra, do we?
- You don’t want to shower with it, ‘cuz you’ll get all jittery.
- Was this meat sacrificed to idols?
- It sounds just like a tattoo gun.
- Anytime you want, just give me a sharpie and I’ll fix those girls up.
- I’m definitely petting this bunny as if it were a small child.
- The title of this photo is “Get Your Hand Off My Shoulder.”
- Ew!!! It smells like octopus!
- She has four pairs of jeggings.
- I have an announcement. My presents are going here. That is my announcement.
- You might want to sit down.
- Am I that old?
- When’s your birthday? Here’s your “horseascope.”
- Do we need to have a can can lesson?
- You want to take your clothes off but you know it’s going to hurt.
- They’re the pole dancers of the old west. Just don’t tell the children.
- We need to stick with the speakable obsessions.
- These don’t seem very smutty.
- Not many moms in the carpool lane wear these.
- I remember pushing someone in a grocery cart.
- One time a group of us were really sober.
- I didn’t know of any girls who had peed off the catwalk, but I knew lots of boys who had, so I was going to be “that girl.”
- Nobody’s going to mug her with the Virgin Mary jacket.
- It looks like something that you would give a Mexican drug lord, so she gave it to her mom.
- Those chaps are so great on you.
- We tried to grow her bangs out for 48 hours.
- If you don’t have any fat on you, you have wrinkles. So, you decide.
- I would commit suicide if my hair looked like that.
- You are so cold. Put your hands between my thighs.
- They might come back in style. I’ve had them for 20 years or so.
- Don’t take the knife next time you fly.
- My fairy has an afro.
