Post-apocalyptic Xmas quotes 2012

Christmas quotes from a large family in a small midwestern town.

Christmas Eve:

  • I’m very useful. I have a cheese knife.
  • Can I borrow your key to grandpa’s gun closet?
  • My mouth is hot.
  • Tomorrow you kids can shoot each other with the guns.
  • How much Mountain Dew do you want your kids to have?
  • You took my puppy chow – I will cut you.
  • Who’s tapping my bandwidth?
  • Hey, who plugged me in? Oh that’s somebody else.
  • Do not tie up your cousin and do not make her a leash out of duct tape!
  • Do you want to put your finger in her guts?
  • I have to get some puppy chow that’s not frozen, ‘cuz that’s gonna break my face.
  • Don’t go to college. Just fix yo-yos.
  • If I had a nickel for every time you asked me that, I’d beat you with a bag of nickels.
  • I feel like a Cornish miner. Where’s my canary?
    • It’s already dead.
  • We’re using the cab of the truck as a fridge, so if you want fruit salad or beans, you know where to find them.
  • Don’t say that word again or I will need more therapy.
  • You look like a science experiment.
  • Why is there a dart in the garbage disposal?

Christmas Day:

  • It’s as bad as Easter when we found dead bunnies in the pool.
  • I got a high E string stuck in my foot.
  • Your breath smells like dead people.
  • We’re sure making the trash people happy this week. I guess we don’t pay any extra, do we?
  • You don’t want to shower with it, ‘cuz you’ll get all jittery.
  • Was this meat sacrificed to idols?
  • It sounds just like a tattoo gun.
  • Anytime you want, just give me a sharpie and I’ll fix those girls up.
  • I’m definitely petting this bunny as if it were a small child.
  • The title of this photo is “Get Your Hand Off My Shoulder.”
  • Ew!!!  It smells like octopus!
  • She has four pairs of jeggings.
  • I have an announcement. My presents are going here. That is my announcement.
  • You might want to sit down.
    • Am I that old?
  • When’s your birthday? Here’s your “horseascope.”
  • Do we need to have a can can lesson?
  • You want to take your clothes off but you know it’s going to hurt.
  • They’re the pole dancers of the old west. Just don’t tell the children.
  • We need to stick with the speakable obsessions.
  • These don’t seem very smutty.
  • Not many moms in the carpool lane wear these.
  • I remember pushing someone in a grocery cart.
  • One time a group of us were really sober.
  • I didn’t know of any girls who had peed off the catwalk, but I knew lots of boys who had, so I was going to be “that girl.”
  • Nobody’s going to mug her with the Virgin Mary jacket.
  • It looks like something that you would give a Mexican drug lord, so she gave it to her mom.
  • Those chaps are so great on you.
  • We tried to grow her bangs out for 48 hours.
  • If you don’t have any fat on you, you have wrinkles. So, you decide.
  • I would commit suicide if my hair looked like that.
  • You are so cold. Put your hands between my thighs.
  • They might come back in style. I’ve had them for 20 years or so.
  • Don’t take the knife next time you fly.
  • My fairy has an afro.

About brian

Author of the words you're currently reading. I have children, drums, a sports car, and am not a good keeper of fish. I am not above eating spiders for cash.
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