I’m sorry I took your cat

Dear Richard,

Thank you so much for hosting the society party last month. It was really tops, from the decor to the music. What do you call that genre again? Fancy? Stringy? Sleepy? Oh, that’s right. Classical. It was nice. I liked the part with the canons and violins. Remind me again who won in that song.

By the way, I’m sorry I took your cat. In my defense, you DO own 6 of them, and I own none. And, to be honest, it’s your cat who chose ME, not the other way around. If you could have seen the way she looked at me – like I was made of fish, and she hadn’t eaten in weeks. True, I had my fair share of the tuna-cracker appetizers, and your cat definitely noticed, but I could just tell there was more to it than that. (Full disclosure: I know the caterer didn’t prepare any tuna-cracker appetizers – they never do – so I brought my own.) We made a connection. Her eyes seemed to say “Take me with you, I can’t bear this place another second.”

At first, I tried to ignore her – thought I was misreading her signals – but then she rubbed up against my leg and purred. Do cats even do that? I always thought they were supposed to be aloof and disinterested. I just happened to have a trunk full of leashes that I won from Three-Haired Bernie in last week’s poker match. Poor sucker was going to pay me in cash, but I insisted on the leashes. Richard, some of those leashes are made with REAL FREAKING NAUGAHYDE and at least ten of them came pre-bedazzled! Anyway, I had this whole trunk full, and I’m thinking “Coincidence? No possible way.” I whispered “stay right here” to – oh, yeah, I don’t know what her name was before, but now it’s “Mademoiselle Pretty-Pretty Fish Mittens” – while I went to the car to retrieve my best leash.

Turns out, Fish Mittens is NOT leash trained. It took like 5 leashes to restrain her, and she settled a bit after I placed her in the box with my tuna-crackers. But still, the ride home was not her best moment. I managed to get her home safely, and after a quick shower and some Benadryl, she was back to her charming self. Oh, by the way, your butler, and the guests who arrived in fancy cars as I was leaving? They’re all out of Grey Poupon.

It’s been a good couple of weeks. She enjoys long walks, boy cats, and fishing out of the aquarium. (Oh, yes – I’m also sorry about taking your fish. I’m sure you understand, now that you know about the cat.) She also enjoys sleeping on top of warm things like my car hood or the window sill above the furnace exhaust vent, so I’ve taken to just leaving the oven on low all day with the door open. She really likes it, and it makes for great conversation when I invite the neighbors over for dinner.

So, I guess this is both an “apology” and “thank you” letter. Mademoiselle Pretty-Pretty Fish Mittens and I are both doing great, though I don’t suspect either of us will be back to visit anytime soon. Your butler made that clear after the whole Grey Poupon debacle.



P.S. Please enjoy this picture I drew of me and Fish Mittens taking a bath.


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About brian

Author of the words you're currently reading. I have children, drums, a sports car, and am not a good keeper of fish. I am not above eating spiders for cash.
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