Fainting Farmhands: A parody of fainting goats

We fall down for your entertainment:

 

Posted in Humor, In the Wild, Pets | Leave a comment

Human Cooper Loves Ice Cream

We ate some ice cream and invite you to watch:

This was a parody of some dogs who are also very funny actors:

Posted in Food, Humor, Pets | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Xmas Quotes 2013

20131225-224209.jpg

You can put that on the table. I’ve got the cat locked up.

You thought I cooked the cat?

Could you put two green beans on his plate?

Tell me a bad story about when you disobeyed.

I remember the time you wrote “stupid” on my door but you spelled it wrong.

I wish I was wise and I owned a shop full of lots of toys.

Can you tell me a story
-Sure. Once upon a time . . .
Wait. Let me tell you a story about when my mom was little. Once she didn’t like her dinner so she threw it away so she could get a cookie.

One time he was stuck in the bathroom and they had to saw it off.

Stop calling me a heifer.

When I move my head you hit it with a hammer.

My evil queen ring broke.

One time I bought a monkey and hid it in my closet.

I saw you write your name, and it said “heifer,” heifer.

I don’t really have a monkey.
-Can’t you just take a picture of your fake monkey?

I keep asking you to tell me what you said when your mouth was full
-Mrmph.

And if that’s not fun, you can run laps around the yard.

I’m squishier than your mom.

He’s sharpening knives against each other.
-On your lap?

(To the boys): Are you watching Barbie movies?
-They have dragons and swords and stuff.
Oooohhhhh!

My brother was playing with a knife and he cut himself. He learned a VALLLLuable lesson.

I’m going to take off my mother’s slippers. I’m being mocked.

I was walking the dog in my yellow bathrobe, but now I use my Obi Wan bathrobe.

If you buy Tom’s Shoes for your American Girl doll, what kind of doll gets the free pair?

Do you like to drink syrup?

How many girls are playing basketball?Because . . . they’re also allowed to.

I’m used to having messy hair, because when I wake up, it looks like I had a party in my bed.

It was nice to see them there, healthy, and alive, and someone has made hazelnut coffee.

We will have to put Lulu in the library or she will misbehave.

Why is Han Solo in the M&M’s?

You can’t get soy milk out of a cow.

UGH! What is in my mouth?!

I would really like it if the logic fairy would visit tonight.

At the gas station:
I’m dealing with men today who have not bought anything for their wives.
-I am one of those men, but I know what I’m getting her.
And what’s that?
-A drill.
I don’t think I could handle that level of romanticism.

Who’s Debbie?
-She’s little and delicious.

She’s here. Make a cup.

A few years ago I accidentally established street cred in a class of mine.

Put her in the library and shut the door.

That’s the booger ring and that’s a dolphin

Those guys are wearing soundproof underwear.

I don’t care because they’re chubby snowmen.

And you can even have a new plate, but not a new fork.

Do not put Han Solo in people’s mouths.

Oh dear. Santa’s in the basement.

Nothing like the smell of napalm in the morning.

Can you hang them by the chimney with care first?

This has deteriorated into something terrible.

Is that the cow from the nativity set?
-He represents the steaks in the freezer we got for you.

Oh look. It’s reversible wrapping paper. That’s nice. (Proceeds to cram it into trash bag)

It’s too cold to go outside.
-It’s ok I have a crown

Wow. Those ARE smelly.

My kids eat a LOT of dog food.

Is the mall closed for Christmas?

If you could be special needs in a good way, what would you choose. Like 4 arms or something.

I can’t eat too much healthy food, because I have a sugar high and a healthy food low.

I can make a cheese map.

Sorry, your earring wants me.

I have a friend in Texas named Lulu who’s a human.

A pink fluffy bird must have died under there.

Is it insensitive for me to say that all the cats look alike?

The only place I haven’t slept in Greenville is your house.

Would you like me to give her some fruit? (Holds up a bag of cheese)

We should play a prank on him and put 5 cats in his bed.

I have something to tell you. (Makes fart sounds on arm). Whoa! I think I have something to tell EVERYONE!

My nose was stuffy at your house, but I just had to deal with it.

I was born in 1996
Is that when the civil war happened?

Can I sit on your leg?
No, it’s in a tree.

Let’s have a slumber party on his arm.

I can’t believe you got her hooked on goat cheese.

I feel like we’re little fancy people drinking tea.

My stomach feels ok after the pie.

Caffeine doesn’t keep me up, plus I WANT to be up.

Posted in Food, Holidays, Humor, In the Wild, Kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

Brodazzle cookie rap

Made a cool Xmas cookie rap video with a couple of friends. You’ll like it:

Posted in Holidays, Humor, Music | Comments Off

Thanksgiving quotes 2013

For Thanksgiving this year at the in-laws’ house, we had Cornish pasty, homemade tamales, and very quotable conversation.
_____________________

The cat has been sitting in the same spot for 1/2 an hour.

I found out that for $225 I can buy an hour with a cat psychiatrist online.

I think the psychiatrist costs so much because you can’t get the cat off the couch.

I put special spray on her hair. It was febreze.

Steph’s coming over.
–Would she like some chili? Or a cat?

No, you may not play whack-a-mole with the wise men from the nativity set.

Oh. There’s a little bowl of ice in front of me.

I thought you and Jack were getting tattoos for Black Friday.

Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and realize you’ve choked on your own saliva?
–NO!
Well, I have. I could have died, and Rich did nothing.

In the Bible, they never mention coughing or sneezing. I just found that odd.

Pilgrims are not in the Bible.
–So how do we know they were real?

We only have 240 plates for dessert, so use them sparingly.

Who would like a pot of coffee to eat with their dessert?

I’m going to have to ask you to stop laughing.
–I don’t think that’s going to work.

We found the baby in the cereal box.

She’s a red dye number five kind of gal.

Rich cuts down trees in dress pants.

I can’t believe we arrived without a chain saw.

If the police stop by and ask “why is your lawn on fire” just say “no hablo inges.”
–That won’t work very well when they figure out that I teach English at the college

Is there anybody here who can catch a cat?

Do you know that some colleges have a puppy room?

She’s running with a rake.
–I run with scissors all the time and you don’t even know it.

Yes, you are a fatso.

So instead of ashes, you got plants.

Who let the grandma out?

Is he our great uncle?
–He’s above average.

I think it’s $6.50 but don’t quote me on that.

It comes out of our checking account, it’s part of the water bill, and you’re losing your hearing aid.

Do not lick my toes.

Cecchetti is Italian ballet.
–It means you don’t shave your armpits.

Do any of you know who Selena Gomez is? She’s dancing in the library.

We actually gave up going to England because of a cat?

I don’t think I’d be lucky enough to have them run away.

I thought it was a healthy place, but then I realized it was a funeral parlor.

It never occurred to me that you could put a baby in there, but then I saw the “no baby” picture, and then I realized it IS the right size for a baby.

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Post-apocalyptic Xmas quotes 2012

Christmas quotes from a large family in a small midwestern town.

Christmas Eve:

  • I’m very useful. I have a cheese knife.
  • Can I borrow your key to grandpa’s gun closet?
  • My mouth is hot.
  • Tomorrow you kids can shoot each other with the guns.
  • How much Mountain Dew do you want your kids to have?
  • You took my puppy chow – I will cut you.
  • Who’s tapping my bandwidth?
  • Hey, who plugged me in? Oh that’s somebody else.
  • Do not tie up your cousin and do not make her a leash out of duct tape!
  • Do you want to put your finger in her guts?
  • I have to get some puppy chow that’s not frozen, ‘cuz that’s gonna break my face.
  • Don’t go to college. Just fix yo-yos.
  • If I had a nickel for every time you asked me that, I’d beat you with a bag of nickels.
  • I feel like a Cornish miner. Where’s my canary?
    • It’s already dead.
  • We’re using the cab of the truck as a fridge, so if you want fruit salad or beans, you know where to find them.
  • Don’t say that word again or I will need more therapy.
  • You look like a science experiment.
  • Why is there a dart in the garbage disposal?

Christmas Day:

  • It’s as bad as Easter when we found dead bunnies in the pool.
  • I got a high E string stuck in my foot.
  • Your breath smells like dead people.
  • We’re sure making the trash people happy this week. I guess we don’t pay any extra, do we?
  • You don’t want to shower with it, ‘cuz you’ll get all jittery.
  • Was this meat sacrificed to idols?
  • It sounds just like a tattoo gun.
  • Anytime you want, just give me a sharpie and I’ll fix those girls up.
  • I’m definitely petting this bunny as if it were a small child.
  • The title of this photo is “Get Your Hand Off My Shoulder.”
  • Ew!!! ¬†It smells like octopus!
  • She has four pairs of jeggings.
  • I have an announcement. My presents are going here. That is my announcement.
  • You might want to sit down.
    • Am I that old?
  • When’s your birthday? Here’s your “horseascope.”
  • Do we need to have a can can lesson?
  • You want to take your clothes off but you know it’s going to hurt.
  • They’re the pole dancers of the old west. Just don’t tell the children.
  • We need to stick with the speakable obsessions.
  • These don’t seem very smutty.
  • Not many moms in the carpool lane wear these.
  • I remember pushing someone in a grocery cart.
  • One time a group of us were really sober.
  • I didn’t know of any girls who had peed off the catwalk, but I knew lots of boys who had, so I was going to be “that girl.”
  • Nobody’s going to mug her with the Virgin Mary jacket.
  • It looks like something that you would give a Mexican drug lord, so she gave it to her mom.
  • Those chaps are so great on you.
  • We tried to grow her bangs out for 48 hours.
  • If you don’t have any fat on you, you have wrinkles. So, you decide.
  • I would commit suicide if my hair looked like that.
  • You are so cold. Put your hands between my thighs.
  • They might come back in style. I’ve had them for 20 years or so.
  • Don’t take the knife next time you fly.
  • My fairy has an afro.

Posted in Holidays, Humor, In the Wild, Kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

From Melons to Mastiffs

 

Posted in Food, Humor, In the Wild, Pets | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Oh What a Feeling

Oh what a feeling when we're dancing on the ceiling

Oh what a feeling, when we're dancing on the ceiling

Posted in Humor, In the Wild, Music | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Office safety – No Plopping Zone!!!

Found at office today.  Thanks safety committee!

No Plopping

Posted in Humor, In the Wild, Office | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Disney Fairy Word Search Choices or Street Drug Slang?

Disney Fairy Word Search Names or Street Drug Slang? You decide.

My daughter was doing a "Disney Fairies" word search at the kitchen table yesterday. Some of the words sounded suspiciously like slang terms from drug culture. See if you can tell the difference. Half of the words come from the word search book, and the other half from street drug slang.
Start
Congratulations - you have completed Disney Fairy Word Search Names or Street Drug Slang? You decide.. You scored %%SCORE%% out of %%TOTAL%%. Whoa, dude! Sources: Share with your friends and see if you can beat their score. Post your scores in the comments, below.
Your answers are highlighted below.
Return
Shaded items are complete.
12345
678910
1112131415
1617181920
2122232425
2627282930
3132333435
3637383940
End
Return

Posted in Disney, Humor, Kids | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment