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Come for the adorable monkey puppet. Stay for the vehicular homicide cover-up.
This year was our first Christmas away from extended family in our new California home. I was worried we wouldn’t be able to match the level of previous years’ quotes, but I think we pulled it off.
I’d be embarrassed to open presents with those lips.
I’ve never been this hungry.
Dad said I could wake everybody up.
Ok, have them brush their teeth.
It has an actual foot inside.
It feels dry like my real lips, so I like it.
This looks like “congratulations on your baby boy” cereal.
Don’t rub your eyes after eating those candy canes.
Sweet. Did you kill a wolf for this?
I actually have a lot of dreams about going to prison.
Is that how long babies are?
Is it made out of marijuana?
My dolls can sit on it and skate on it.
Whenever she was sad she’d make me scratch her head.
It’s so light it can’t be breakable.
No one loves their helmets but it’s just part of life.
Are you still wearing my bra?
You’re gonna need some coffee if you’re gonna play “Just Dance.”
I’m pretty funny.
I never knew I could be sweating on Christmas.
They don’t even know who photographaphed them.
She broke her phone on the mechanical bull.
I was pretty angry with the ham.
Your head is like a dart board.
You threw away all the fun games.
I hope your butt burns forever.
We fall down for your entertainment:
We ate some ice cream and invite you to watch:
This was a parody of some dogs who are also very funny actors:
You can put that on the table. I’ve got the cat locked up.
You thought I cooked the cat?
Could you put two green beans on his plate?
Tell me a bad story about when you disobeyed.
I remember the time you wrote “stupid” on my door but you spelled it wrong.
I wish I was wise and I owned a shop full of lots of toys.
Can you tell me a story
-Sure. Once upon a time . . .
Wait. Let me tell you a story about when my mom was little. Once she didn’t like her dinner so she threw it away so she could get a cookie.
One time he was stuck in the bathroom and they had to saw it off.
Stop calling me a heifer.
When I move my head you hit it with a hammer.
My evil queen ring broke.
One time I bought a monkey and hid it in my closet.
I saw you write your name, and it said “heifer,” heifer.
I don’t really have a monkey.
-Can’t you just take a picture of your fake monkey?
I keep asking you to tell me what you said when your mouth was full
And if that’s not fun, you can run laps around the yard.
I’m squishier than your mom.
He’s sharpening knives against each other.
-On your lap?
(To the boys): Are you watching Barbie movies?
-They have dragons and swords and stuff.
My brother was playing with a knife and he cut himself. He learned a VALLLLuable lesson.
I’m going to take off my mother’s slippers. I’m being mocked.
I was walking the dog in my yellow bathrobe, but now I use my Obi Wan bathrobe.
If you buy Tom’s Shoes for your American Girl doll, what kind of doll gets the free pair?
Do you like to drink syrup?
How many girls are playing basketball?Because . . . they’re also allowed to.
I’m used to having messy hair, because when I wake up, it looks like I had a party in my bed.
It was nice to see them there, healthy, and alive, and someone has made hazelnut coffee.
We will have to put Lulu in the library or she will misbehave.
Why is Han Solo in the M&M’s?
You can’t get soy milk out of a cow.
UGH! What is in my mouth?!
I would really like it if the logic fairy would visit tonight.
At the gas station:
I’m dealing with men today who have not bought anything for their wives.
-I am one of those men, but I know what I’m getting her.
And what’s that?
I don’t think I could handle that level of romanticism.
-She’s little and delicious.
She’s here. Make a cup.
A few years ago I accidentally established street cred in a class of mine.
Put her in the library and shut the door.
That’s the booger ring and that’s a dolphin
Those guys are wearing soundproof underwear.
I don’t care because they’re chubby snowmen.
And you can even have a new plate, but not a new fork.
Do not put Han Solo in people’s mouths.
Oh dear. Santa’s in the basement.
Nothing like the smell of napalm in the morning.
Can you hang them by the chimney with care first?
This has deteriorated into something terrible.
Is that the cow from the nativity set?
-He represents the steaks in the freezer we got for you.
Oh look. It’s reversible wrapping paper. That’s nice. (Proceeds to cram it into trash bag)
It’s too cold to go outside.
-It’s ok I have a crown
Wow. Those ARE smelly.
My kids eat a LOT of dog food.
Is the mall closed for Christmas?
If you could be special needs in a good way, what would you choose. Like 4 arms or something.
I can’t eat too much healthy food, because I have a sugar high and a healthy food low.
I can make a cheese map.
Sorry, your earring wants me.
I have a friend in Texas named Lulu who’s a human.
A pink fluffy bird must have died under there.
Is it insensitive for me to say that all the cats look alike?
The only place I haven’t slept in Greenville is your house.
Would you like me to give her some fruit? (Holds up a bag of cheese)
We should play a prank on him and put 5 cats in his bed.
I have something to tell you. (Makes fart sounds on arm). Whoa! I think I have something to tell EVERYONE!
My nose was stuffy at your house, but I just had to deal with it.
I was born in 1996
Is that when the civil war happened?
Can I sit on your leg?
No, it’s in a tree.
Let’s have a slumber party on his arm.
I can’t believe you got her hooked on goat cheese.
I feel like we’re little fancy people drinking tea.
My stomach feels ok after the pie.
Caffeine doesn’t keep me up, plus I WANT to be up.
Made a cool Xmas cookie rap video with a couple of friends. You’ll like it:
For Thanksgiving this year at the in-laws’ house, we had Cornish pasty, homemade tamales, and very quotable conversation.
The cat has been sitting in the same spot for 1/2 an hour.
I found out that for $225 I can buy an hour with a cat psychiatrist online.
I think the psychiatrist costs so much because you can’t get the cat off the couch.
I put special spray on her hair. It was febreze.
Steph’s coming over.
–Would she like some chili? Or a cat?
No, you may not play whack-a-mole with the wise men from the nativity set.
Oh. There’s a little bowl of ice in front of me.
I thought you and Jack were getting tattoos for Black Friday.
Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and realize you’ve choked on your own saliva?
Well, I have. I could have died, and Rich did nothing.
In the Bible, they never mention coughing or sneezing. I just found that odd.
Pilgrims are not in the Bible.
–So how do we know they were real?
We only have 240 plates for dessert, so use them sparingly.
Who would like a pot of coffee to eat with their dessert?
I’m going to have to ask you to stop laughing.
–I don’t think that’s going to work.
We found the baby in the cereal box.
She’s a red dye number five kind of gal.
Rich cuts down trees in dress pants.
I can’t believe we arrived without a chain saw.
If the police stop by and ask “why is your lawn on fire” just say “no hablo inges.”
–That won’t work very well when they figure out that I teach English at the college
Is there anybody here who can catch a cat?
Do you know that some colleges have a puppy room?
She’s running with a rake.
–I run with scissors all the time and you don’t even know it.
Yes, you are a fatso.
So instead of ashes, you got plants.
Who let the grandma out?
Is he our great uncle?
–He’s above average.
I think it’s $6.50 but don’t quote me on that.
It comes out of our checking account, it’s part of the water bill, and you’re losing your hearing aid.
Do not lick my toes.
Cecchetti is Italian ballet.
–It means you don’t shave your armpits.
Do any of you know who Selena Gomez is? She’s dancing in the library.
We actually gave up going to England because of a cat?
I don’t think I’d be lucky enough to have them run away.
I thought it was a healthy place, but then I realized it was a funeral parlor.
It never occurred to me that you could put a baby in there, but then I saw the “no baby” picture, and then I realized it IS the right size for a baby.
Christmas quotes from a large family in a small midwestern town.